Sometimes we come to life's crossroads,
and we view what we think is the end.
But God has a much wider vision
and He knows it's only a bend-
The road will go onand get smoother
and after we have stopped for a rest,
the path that lies beyond us
Is often the path that is best.
So rest and relax and go stronger,
Let go and let God share your load-
have faith in a brighter tomorrow,
for you have just come to a Bend in the Road.
-Helen Steiner Rice
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
The Gloves Are Off
God tested me, or the devil tested me yesterday and I will be the first one to say I failed God's test miserably. I woke up relatively ok, had started getting terrible anxiety the night before, which I guess stayed with me. So, on the way to work , as soon as I say "Lord, help me get through this day"....I see a dead black cat in the middle of the road. A tailspin occurs. immediately I turned into everything I don't want to be. I was angry, mad, being mean, and sad and was totally not a pleasure to be around. Anyway, I had another breakdown what a surprise all because of what I had seen, even thought I know the devil placed it there for me to see and he won, he ruined my morning and practically my day, black cat of course. In any case, thank God my manager was alright with me switching my days off from wed and thurs to yesterday and today...So now I work 8 days before a day off, with certain people I would rather not work with, and one is a close then open. That was how dead set I was on just getting the heck outta there and being alone yesterday. I pray the Lord gives me the strength I need to get through the week. I know He will. I can't let things like that bring me down, but when they do, they do. I know it sounds really weird but when I see stuff like that, it literally stays with me for weeks and sometimes years. I can't handle seenig stuff like that. Also, it may as well have been a dead body in the road, seriously. That may have had the same effect!....I can't explain it, I dno't know where it comes from, but these are feelings I can't ignore. To some they are "just cats" or "just dogs" or "just animals" but they are not "just animals" to me. To me, they may as well be people. There is nothing sadder to me than seeing an animal suffer and to know a family may have just lost their pet, and having to see it on a beautiful Saturday morning while driving to work as I am talking to God. I know most don't understand, and I don't expect them too, but we have realize as people, that we are not the only things that live on this earth. We SHARE this earth with other things. For some people to be so inhumane and lack so much compassion literally devastates me. I am trying to avoid these things now, because i know I cannot handle them. However, yesterday I did not see it coming I had no idea it would be there, and I frankly, was not ready to see it. It had a snowball effect. It made me angry, I was mean to my friends that didn't deserve it, and I was upset that I could not get a hold of animal control fast enough. I know some people don't care and whatever that is fine, I get it. They are just animals, they don't have souls. But, I disagree.
It is a constant fight between good and evil, right and wrong, black and white, good and bad. I so desperately want to see the good but the bad can be so blatant and obvious. I know these things happen, and it is nature and may nature take its course, I was just not ready to see that, and I am never ready to see that, especially ON THE WAY to work, on the way home it would have been a little better because I could have come home and calmed down. It was like setting me up to fail.
I was already a volcano ready to erupt and that set me over the edge. So, now, I have a very long work week ahead of me of my own making. I know God will be there to guide me through.
Some people will never understand me. Heck, sometimes I don't understand me. But what I think people need to understand, is that perception is everything and if I perceive something on the way to work that may as well have been a dead body, I believe I would react the same. I never want to see dead anything. I can't handle it. I really can't. I can't grasp it. I have seen my mom in her coffin, and since then, is when this whole animal, helpless creature/people phobias started happening. The fact is, it is hard because it is everywhere!!! I cannot turn it off, that is what scares me the most. All I have to do is turn on the news, which I am trying to avoid. I used to not care about certain things before my mom passed, now I care about EVERY LIVING THING there is. Screw the bastard terrorists I don't mean them. I mean the good people. The good animals who are never given a chance to love, or be loved. The babies of the same fate. I feel strongly about these things because I know it is so out of my control, and I hate that, and I am not even a controlling person. An image to me, can stay ingrained in my mind forever. The image I saw yesterday is one that will.
Thus, I will probably never change, and those who think I am just being a little too dramatic just don't get me and that is fine. I am sure there are opinions and views you have that I just don't "get". So, incidentally, the devil may have got what he wanted yesterday, and maybe he will again, but I am damn sure putting up the biggest fight I got.
It is a constant fight between good and evil, right and wrong, black and white, good and bad. I so desperately want to see the good but the bad can be so blatant and obvious. I know these things happen, and it is nature and may nature take its course, I was just not ready to see that, and I am never ready to see that, especially ON THE WAY to work, on the way home it would have been a little better because I could have come home and calmed down. It was like setting me up to fail.
I was already a volcano ready to erupt and that set me over the edge. So, now, I have a very long work week ahead of me of my own making. I know God will be there to guide me through.
Some people will never understand me. Heck, sometimes I don't understand me. But what I think people need to understand, is that perception is everything and if I perceive something on the way to work that may as well have been a dead body, I believe I would react the same. I never want to see dead anything. I can't handle it. I really can't. I can't grasp it. I have seen my mom in her coffin, and since then, is when this whole animal, helpless creature/people phobias started happening. The fact is, it is hard because it is everywhere!!! I cannot turn it off, that is what scares me the most. All I have to do is turn on the news, which I am trying to avoid. I used to not care about certain things before my mom passed, now I care about EVERY LIVING THING there is. Screw the bastard terrorists I don't mean them. I mean the good people. The good animals who are never given a chance to love, or be loved. The babies of the same fate. I feel strongly about these things because I know it is so out of my control, and I hate that, and I am not even a controlling person. An image to me, can stay ingrained in my mind forever. The image I saw yesterday is one that will.
Thus, I will probably never change, and those who think I am just being a little too dramatic just don't get me and that is fine. I am sure there are opinions and views you have that I just don't "get". So, incidentally, the devil may have got what he wanted yesterday, and maybe he will again, but I am damn sure putting up the biggest fight I got.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Satan
Don't want to get all weird on everyone, but heck what's the difference than usual. I woke up the last two mornings and actually spoke "Today is going to be a great day" and I tried my hardest to believe it. Guess what, I had two great days, yest in a row! Hard to believe i know. The devil was at my every turn trying to bring me down, yet every time I just said an "Our Father" and he was gone. It is like, I am not a preacher or anything of the sort. I am not someone who judges, in fact, I think there are so many misconceptions about religions, that it is impossible to judge because I will never have all the facts. I was raised Catholic and I still carry those beliefs, however, I am still a Christian, and if you are a Catholic you are a christian, but not vice verse. We all have demons, no matter what "religion" you are, or what you aren't, even atheist, something in your life PULLS YOU DOWN. Ever notice how the things that bother you the most are the things most prevalent or the only things you see? You know what kills me? Stories about animal, child, or elderly abuse. That does not mean I do not care about other people who don't fit those categories. Maybe I am just sad for the "helpless". People who cannot help themselves. I don't care if they are dirt bags, homeless people, people who treat me like crap, they can be anyone and it hurts me. Satan knows this.
He says...haha....Yes, this is how I get to her. I will definitely make sure she sees this story, this will totally doubt her faith in God. I will admit, it worked for a while. I questioned God after my mom died. I was like how can something so bad happen to someone so good? Then I realized, it was Satan's fault. He is sitting there laughing knowing I will blame God for everything that is gone wrong in my life. EVERYTHING. Which I always have. Never really thought of blaming the devil, I only blamed God. God gave us free will, we can do what we choose, and accept the consequences or the great things from that. I have started to CARE AGAIN. I did not care about anyone but me, my family and my animals for quite some time. Now, I am like, well, do you need a ride home it is too cold to walk?? Or do you want me to go out to garden center to cashier because it is too cold. I am not AS selfish, still a little of course. But, in a sense, i think we all are. We are all just trying to survive and with that comes selfishness. But there is a balance. There is the "I am going to do whatever I want" selfish, and the "I am just doing what I think is right for me" selfish.
As far as bad intentions, yes, I never had them in the past. For a while though, hell yeah, I wanted that person fired or that person written up....but for what? What does that accomplish. Considering eventually, as in right this moment, I would feel guilty about it. And, my friends, guilt IS THE DEVIL. I am not a crazy Christian Catholic saying all these things. I am a 28 year old female who has seen these things. I know there is bad, I am not oblivious, all I am saying is that I see the bad because Satan knows I can't handle it, but you know what? I think, finally for once in my life I ACTUALLY CAN.
Yes, Satan, people kill their own children, thousands die in terrorist attacks, animals, babies and elderly alike suffer, people with mental illness suffer, people who are disabled whether at birth or a car accident suffer, people lose thier loved ones and they suffer and watch their loved ones suffer, yes, maybe that is the only peace you get. You probably don't even know the meaning of the word. So, it has been two days since I HAVE CAST YOU OFF, and I have had two good days, I willl wake up and speak my good day into existence and yes, you will be gone, Mr. Satan, because you have no home here, in my life or in my heart. God knows how many lives you have already ruined, I refuse to be your statistic. So:
Our Father who art in heaven,hallowed be thy name.Thy kingdom come.Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.Give us this day our daily bread,and forgive us our trespasses,as we forgive those who trespass against us,and lead us not into temptation,but deliver us from evil. Amen.
For thine is the kingdom,and the power, and the glory,for ever and ever
Amen.
You, are a trespass, and I am clean of your passes.
He says...haha....Yes, this is how I get to her. I will definitely make sure she sees this story, this will totally doubt her faith in God. I will admit, it worked for a while. I questioned God after my mom died. I was like how can something so bad happen to someone so good? Then I realized, it was Satan's fault. He is sitting there laughing knowing I will blame God for everything that is gone wrong in my life. EVERYTHING. Which I always have. Never really thought of blaming the devil, I only blamed God. God gave us free will, we can do what we choose, and accept the consequences or the great things from that. I have started to CARE AGAIN. I did not care about anyone but me, my family and my animals for quite some time. Now, I am like, well, do you need a ride home it is too cold to walk?? Or do you want me to go out to garden center to cashier because it is too cold. I am not AS selfish, still a little of course. But, in a sense, i think we all are. We are all just trying to survive and with that comes selfishness. But there is a balance. There is the "I am going to do whatever I want" selfish, and the "I am just doing what I think is right for me" selfish.
As far as bad intentions, yes, I never had them in the past. For a while though, hell yeah, I wanted that person fired or that person written up....but for what? What does that accomplish. Considering eventually, as in right this moment, I would feel guilty about it. And, my friends, guilt IS THE DEVIL. I am not a crazy Christian Catholic saying all these things. I am a 28 year old female who has seen these things. I know there is bad, I am not oblivious, all I am saying is that I see the bad because Satan knows I can't handle it, but you know what? I think, finally for once in my life I ACTUALLY CAN.
Yes, Satan, people kill their own children, thousands die in terrorist attacks, animals, babies and elderly alike suffer, people with mental illness suffer, people who are disabled whether at birth or a car accident suffer, people lose thier loved ones and they suffer and watch their loved ones suffer, yes, maybe that is the only peace you get. You probably don't even know the meaning of the word. So, it has been two days since I HAVE CAST YOU OFF, and I have had two good days, I willl wake up and speak my good day into existence and yes, you will be gone, Mr. Satan, because you have no home here, in my life or in my heart. God knows how many lives you have already ruined, I refuse to be your statistic. So:
Our Father who art in heaven,hallowed be thy name.Thy kingdom come.Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.Give us this day our daily bread,and forgive us our trespasses,as we forgive those who trespass against us,and lead us not into temptation,but deliver us from evil. Amen.
For thine is the kingdom,and the power, and the glory,for ever and ever
Amen.
You, are a trespass, and I am clean of your passes.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Goodbye Devil
I have noticed that I see life in a different way than most people. I will be the first one to admit that I see it negatively and hard most of the time. I see the bad things, the horrible suffering, the famine, the war, the people suffering, the animals suffering, pretty much anything you can think of, I see in a bad light. I could see a very happy couple with kids walking in the park, yet in my mind I am thinking "he is sleeping with his secretary or is secretly gay, she is having an affair with the pool guy or has an eating disorder or is an alcoholic or pill head, the kids are cute now but they will grow up to get pregnant, and be drug addicts"...Yes, unfortunately that is how I would interpret that situation and visual at the park. I started thinking a little deeper about it, and I realized why I see things this way.
It is because the devil makes me see things this way.
The devil knows just how to get to me. If he knows I don't want to read a certain story in the paper and try to avoid it at all costs, he will make damn sure that I somehow end up seeing that story, or see that horrible picture. There is a beach I have to look straight at that has a lot of cats who live there. Feral, yes, but they still live there, it is there home. The devil knows I have to stare at that beach every morning for 3 minutes on the way to work at 5:30 in the morning, wondering where all the cats are, if they are doing ok, and if the people rebuilding the park would know to move the cats, or at least keep them safe. The devil knows that will drag me and drag me, until I make that turn, and it still drags me until I pull into work, where my now image of the world is brought way down. I would never say the devil is good, I will never the say the devil is clever, the only credit I will ever give the devil is that he is a master manipulator. I refuse to give him so much power. I am changing the route to work in which I take starting tomorrow. I know it will still be there, but there is nothing I can do about it, it is for the city, and I pray the cats are alright, but why stare and stare at it for 3 minutes every morning when all it does is bring me down? The devil knows how to hurt me. The devil says "This will hurt her, make sure she sees this, or thinks this way, or things happen to make her think this way" Her mom died, so let's make her hate God because if God was so great then how could he take her mom away? Yes, I got her right where I want her."
Well, no you don't. At least not anymore. I have realized now that you, devil, are the reason I see the world the way I do. You can be classified as evil, I understand not everyone believes in God or the Devil but I definitely believe in God so if you believe in God you believe in the devil. Well, I may know you exist, but I do not "believe in you" anymore. You have done nothing for me other than take things away from me, caused me pain, caused me to see things and experience things I could have lived without, knew how to get to me, how to see that horrible article or to be switching channels and see something that will devastate me for weeks. You know I will stumble upon something and have to read it or watch it even if it kills me to see such things. For a while there, I doubted all of it. My mom was gone, things were happening and I questioned life and its meaning and how such bad things could happen to such good people. I recently realized, God does not let those things happen to those people, free will and the devil does. The unfortunate casualties of 9/11 (which I seem to think about daily for some reason)...(incidentally, that is the devil winning)...I often wonder, what it those people would have believed in God at some time but they died to soon? I asked a pastor this and he said, well, Tricia, that is the devil. The devil doesn't give you a chance. If he can take the chance he will take the chance. God, however, wants you to lead a long full life. I thought, why can a murderer be saved at the very end of his life and go to heaven, while someone who may obey God all their lives will still go to heaven, but have done the right thing all along? It does not matter, all that matters is in the end God will win. God will know if that person being executed is sincere in his remorse. A sin is a sin in the eyes of God. I am starting to let go of guilt, and starting to forgive myself. Yes, I am not perfect, I have sinned, I do sin, I will always sin, but that is why Jesus died for me. God knew we would sin. I am sick of all the snakes that are thrown at me every day. You no longer have power over me, yes, you may know my weaknesses, but I know my strengths, and that is God. Goodbye you evil devil. You have taken too much from me already. My perception on life, which is distorted and I know this, You may "exist", but you do not "exist" anymore in my life. I surrender to God and I say goodbye to you. I will leave by saying, I don't hate you devil and I forgive you because that is the last thing you would want me to say and the first thing God would want me to do.
"
It is because the devil makes me see things this way.
The devil knows just how to get to me. If he knows I don't want to read a certain story in the paper and try to avoid it at all costs, he will make damn sure that I somehow end up seeing that story, or see that horrible picture. There is a beach I have to look straight at that has a lot of cats who live there. Feral, yes, but they still live there, it is there home. The devil knows I have to stare at that beach every morning for 3 minutes on the way to work at 5:30 in the morning, wondering where all the cats are, if they are doing ok, and if the people rebuilding the park would know to move the cats, or at least keep them safe. The devil knows that will drag me and drag me, until I make that turn, and it still drags me until I pull into work, where my now image of the world is brought way down. I would never say the devil is good, I will never the say the devil is clever, the only credit I will ever give the devil is that he is a master manipulator. I refuse to give him so much power. I am changing the route to work in which I take starting tomorrow. I know it will still be there, but there is nothing I can do about it, it is for the city, and I pray the cats are alright, but why stare and stare at it for 3 minutes every morning when all it does is bring me down? The devil knows how to hurt me. The devil says "This will hurt her, make sure she sees this, or thinks this way, or things happen to make her think this way" Her mom died, so let's make her hate God because if God was so great then how could he take her mom away? Yes, I got her right where I want her."
Well, no you don't. At least not anymore. I have realized now that you, devil, are the reason I see the world the way I do. You can be classified as evil, I understand not everyone believes in God or the Devil but I definitely believe in God so if you believe in God you believe in the devil. Well, I may know you exist, but I do not "believe in you" anymore. You have done nothing for me other than take things away from me, caused me pain, caused me to see things and experience things I could have lived without, knew how to get to me, how to see that horrible article or to be switching channels and see something that will devastate me for weeks. You know I will stumble upon something and have to read it or watch it even if it kills me to see such things. For a while there, I doubted all of it. My mom was gone, things were happening and I questioned life and its meaning and how such bad things could happen to such good people. I recently realized, God does not let those things happen to those people, free will and the devil does. The unfortunate casualties of 9/11 (which I seem to think about daily for some reason)...(incidentally, that is the devil winning)...I often wonder, what it those people would have believed in God at some time but they died to soon? I asked a pastor this and he said, well, Tricia, that is the devil. The devil doesn't give you a chance. If he can take the chance he will take the chance. God, however, wants you to lead a long full life. I thought, why can a murderer be saved at the very end of his life and go to heaven, while someone who may obey God all their lives will still go to heaven, but have done the right thing all along? It does not matter, all that matters is in the end God will win. God will know if that person being executed is sincere in his remorse. A sin is a sin in the eyes of God. I am starting to let go of guilt, and starting to forgive myself. Yes, I am not perfect, I have sinned, I do sin, I will always sin, but that is why Jesus died for me. God knew we would sin. I am sick of all the snakes that are thrown at me every day. You no longer have power over me, yes, you may know my weaknesses, but I know my strengths, and that is God. Goodbye you evil devil. You have taken too much from me already. My perception on life, which is distorted and I know this, You may "exist", but you do not "exist" anymore in my life. I surrender to God and I say goodbye to you. I will leave by saying, I don't hate you devil and I forgive you because that is the last thing you would want me to say and the first thing God would want me to do.
"
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY
I did not write this, it is from www.selfgrowth.com
Everyone experiences feelings of anger or irritability, but people with bipolar disorder are especially prone to these feelings and the adverse effects of anger. In fact, sudden feelings of anger or irritability are key symptoms of mania. Inappropriate anger attacks occur in up to 60 percent of people with bipolar disorder (Mammen et al. 2004). Moreover, up to 40 percent of people with bipolar disorder reported feelings of abnormal irritability, which is defined as feelings of excitability or annoyance (Deckersbach et al. 2004). However, anger and irritability can also be part of depression, and sometimes the most prominent aspect of depression, at least as experienced by the people around someone with bipolar disorder.
When you live with bipolar disorder yourself, you know the experience when your mood shifts and disrupts your normal life activities. These swings may be mild or severe, but for many people, the symptoms of mania may include excessive irritation or aggressive behavior, and depressive symptoms can include irritability, agitation, and anger. Also, during manic or depressive episodes, you may have developed negative thought patterns and beliefs that everything is bad. This habit of viewing things negatively may predispose you to becoming angry more easily than at times when you can see the world from a positive perspective.
WHAT IS ANGER?
Anger is natural and even a necessary emotion for survival, but it can be destructive when expressed inappropriately. Like an alarm, anger tells you something is wrong with a situation. In general, what causes anger?
* Stress—when faced with health, money, work, or personal problems
* Life events—when remembering bad things that have happened to you
* Frustration—when not in control of a situation or when overwhelmed by tasks
* Fear—when feeling that a relationship or a job may not work out
* Resentment—when feeling hurt, rejected, or oppressed
* Disappointment—when expectations aren’t met
Anger has three components that can be described as psychological, biological or physiological, and cognitive (Mayo Clinic 2007):
* Psychological anger refers to your feelings, which can vary in intensity from mild frustration and disappointment to sadness to intense rage.
* Biological or physiological anger refers to the body’s responses, when your heart rate or blood pressure rises or your muscles tense.
* Cognitive anger refers to your thoughts while you’re angry, such as believing that you’re justified to be angry or thinking that no one listens to you.
ANGER TRIGGERS
It is important to be aware of your feelings of anger and to identify when expressions of anger are unhealthy. Have you ever slammed your office door when you were frustrated at work? Have you ever yelled at the clerk in a store or a pharmacist on the phone when the person couldn’t help you fast enough? These ways of managing anger are not only ineffective, but may also lead to personal or legal problems. Anyone’s past life history can contribute to the way they react or overreact to situations. For instance, people who have been ridiculed, neglected, or victimized in the past may have built up negative feelings over time based on these events. Sometimes it is not the person or the event in the present that makes you feel angry, but it’s your way of thinking—based on your past personal experiences—that creates these angry feelings. By becoming aware of and avoiding potential triggers, you are less likely to experience the intensity of the conflict.
PERSONAL TRIGGERS
There are triggers that automatically spark certain symptoms of mania, but they also exist for anger and irritability, whether or not you have manic symptoms. Triggers for anger can lead to anger, and an angry response can lead to the other person’s angry response, which can itself be a new trigger and can escalate a situation quickly. Often this scenario involves circumstances where you believe you’ve been treated unfairly or your expectations have not been met.
WHAT IS YOUR ANGER PATTERN?
Some people can tolerate more stress, frustration, and disappointment than others. The same situations, conflicts, or events may trigger anger for you and not for someone else. There are many different ways to express anger when you feel the intensity of the emotion. By reflecting on how you express your anger, you can determine whether you need to learn new skills to respond in healthier ways.
CONSTRUCTIVE EXPRESSIONS OF ANGER
If you have been wronged, it is natural to feel angry. But how you express these feelings through words, gestures, or actions can be problematic due to the intensity of the anger emotion. It’s important to manage your reaction in a constructive, controlled way.
There are three basic ways to handle anger: controlled expression, suppression, and calming strategies (Mayo Clinic 2007).
Expressing Anger in a Controlled Manner
Verbalizing feelings using an assertive, reasonable tone of voice is, in the long run, typically more helpful to your efforts to achieve your life goals than outbursts or violence (though outbursts may feel better at the time!). Being assertive means that you clearly state your needs without hurting or overpowering others.
Suppressing Anger
Holding in your anger or stopping yourself from thinking about it can be a healthy reaction when you convert the energy to a positive, constructive behavior. The key is to make sure that you find a way to calm yourself or a healthy way to express your feelings that doesn’t lead to just suppressing the anger you have. It is also important to be careful not to turn the anger inward or plot schemes to retaliate. The danger is that anger turned inward can lead to sleep problems, high blood pressure, tension headaches, and increased depression.
Calming Strategies
Controlling your outward behavior and your internal responses to the anger can allow you to calm yourself and let the angry feelings fade away. Relaxation or visualization techniques such as counting to ten, meditation, breathing exercises, or even exercising can help ease your physical responses and help you focus on something positive.
MANAGING ANGER
In managing anger, the goal is to develop and strengthen your observing self, which allows you to make choices in your own long-term best interest, like you did in module 13 on psychosis. When thinking about managing anger, there are several approaches that can assist you. Here are the three Rs of anger control: retreat, rethink, and respond (Jacobs 1994).
Retreat
Step back from a heated discussion and take a break, a time-out, or a breather, rather than jumping in and expressing the first thing that pops into your head. Learning skills to relax, such as meditation, breathing exercises, or exercise, and scheduling personal retreats, even during your lunch break, may help you control your temper.
Rethink
Slow down and calm your racing thoughts and take your time to think about what’s happening before you respond. You will be more effective in resolving the conflict if you get in touch with your feelings, listen carefully to what others are saying, and try to brainstorm possible solutions to the issues.
Respond
When you’re feeling calmer, concentrate on using slower speech and a calm tone of voice that is not defensive or judgmental or insulting. Using silly humor, not sarcasm, can defuse the tension. Some people find it’s helpful to write a script and rehearse it in private in order to stick to the main concerns.
Remember to use “I” statements when describing the problem to avoid criticizing or placing blame. For instance, say, “I’m unhappy that you didn’t come home earlier,” rather than, “You should have been home earlier.” Talking to a person you can trust with your feelings, a friend or a therapist, can help you express your anger, especially when you cannot feel calm enough to talk directly to the person who angered you.
OTHER APPROACHES FOR ANGER MANAGEMENT
So often our bodies hold the tension that anger produces. You can convert the energy and release the tension through physical activity. Taking a walk or playing any sport (hitting a ball, shooting baskets, throwing a Frisbee) can redirect the energy in a healthy way. If you are in a location where you don’t have this opportunity, you could write your feelings in a journal, listen to music, or focus your thoughts on calmer, more positive times. This is also a good opportunity to use some of your “Zen monk” techniques (exercises 13.3 and 13.4).
It may seem the most difficult idea to accept, but forgiving the person you’re angry with and not holding a grudge against him or her for words or actions will help you to heal. This allows you to take control of the issue at hand for the long run and not have it control and consume you.
Everyone experiences feelings of anger or irritability, but people with bipolar disorder are especially prone to these feelings and the adverse effects of anger. In fact, sudden feelings of anger or irritability are key symptoms of mania. Inappropriate anger attacks occur in up to 60 percent of people with bipolar disorder (Mammen et al. 2004). Moreover, up to 40 percent of people with bipolar disorder reported feelings of abnormal irritability, which is defined as feelings of excitability or annoyance (Deckersbach et al. 2004). However, anger and irritability can also be part of depression, and sometimes the most prominent aspect of depression, at least as experienced by the people around someone with bipolar disorder.
When you live with bipolar disorder yourself, you know the experience when your mood shifts and disrupts your normal life activities. These swings may be mild or severe, but for many people, the symptoms of mania may include excessive irritation or aggressive behavior, and depressive symptoms can include irritability, agitation, and anger. Also, during manic or depressive episodes, you may have developed negative thought patterns and beliefs that everything is bad. This habit of viewing things negatively may predispose you to becoming angry more easily than at times when you can see the world from a positive perspective.
WHAT IS ANGER?
Anger is natural and even a necessary emotion for survival, but it can be destructive when expressed inappropriately. Like an alarm, anger tells you something is wrong with a situation. In general, what causes anger?
* Stress—when faced with health, money, work, or personal problems
* Life events—when remembering bad things that have happened to you
* Frustration—when not in control of a situation or when overwhelmed by tasks
* Fear—when feeling that a relationship or a job may not work out
* Resentment—when feeling hurt, rejected, or oppressed
* Disappointment—when expectations aren’t met
Anger has three components that can be described as psychological, biological or physiological, and cognitive (Mayo Clinic 2007):
* Psychological anger refers to your feelings, which can vary in intensity from mild frustration and disappointment to sadness to intense rage.
* Biological or physiological anger refers to the body’s responses, when your heart rate or blood pressure rises or your muscles tense.
* Cognitive anger refers to your thoughts while you’re angry, such as believing that you’re justified to be angry or thinking that no one listens to you.
ANGER TRIGGERS
It is important to be aware of your feelings of anger and to identify when expressions of anger are unhealthy. Have you ever slammed your office door when you were frustrated at work? Have you ever yelled at the clerk in a store or a pharmacist on the phone when the person couldn’t help you fast enough? These ways of managing anger are not only ineffective, but may also lead to personal or legal problems. Anyone’s past life history can contribute to the way they react or overreact to situations. For instance, people who have been ridiculed, neglected, or victimized in the past may have built up negative feelings over time based on these events. Sometimes it is not the person or the event in the present that makes you feel angry, but it’s your way of thinking—based on your past personal experiences—that creates these angry feelings. By becoming aware of and avoiding potential triggers, you are less likely to experience the intensity of the conflict.
PERSONAL TRIGGERS
There are triggers that automatically spark certain symptoms of mania, but they also exist for anger and irritability, whether or not you have manic symptoms. Triggers for anger can lead to anger, and an angry response can lead to the other person’s angry response, which can itself be a new trigger and can escalate a situation quickly. Often this scenario involves circumstances where you believe you’ve been treated unfairly or your expectations have not been met.
WHAT IS YOUR ANGER PATTERN?
Some people can tolerate more stress, frustration, and disappointment than others. The same situations, conflicts, or events may trigger anger for you and not for someone else. There are many different ways to express anger when you feel the intensity of the emotion. By reflecting on how you express your anger, you can determine whether you need to learn new skills to respond in healthier ways.
CONSTRUCTIVE EXPRESSIONS OF ANGER
If you have been wronged, it is natural to feel angry. But how you express these feelings through words, gestures, or actions can be problematic due to the intensity of the anger emotion. It’s important to manage your reaction in a constructive, controlled way.
There are three basic ways to handle anger: controlled expression, suppression, and calming strategies (Mayo Clinic 2007).
Expressing Anger in a Controlled Manner
Verbalizing feelings using an assertive, reasonable tone of voice is, in the long run, typically more helpful to your efforts to achieve your life goals than outbursts or violence (though outbursts may feel better at the time!). Being assertive means that you clearly state your needs without hurting or overpowering others.
Suppressing Anger
Holding in your anger or stopping yourself from thinking about it can be a healthy reaction when you convert the energy to a positive, constructive behavior. The key is to make sure that you find a way to calm yourself or a healthy way to express your feelings that doesn’t lead to just suppressing the anger you have. It is also important to be careful not to turn the anger inward or plot schemes to retaliate. The danger is that anger turned inward can lead to sleep problems, high blood pressure, tension headaches, and increased depression.
Calming Strategies
Controlling your outward behavior and your internal responses to the anger can allow you to calm yourself and let the angry feelings fade away. Relaxation or visualization techniques such as counting to ten, meditation, breathing exercises, or even exercising can help ease your physical responses and help you focus on something positive.
MANAGING ANGER
In managing anger, the goal is to develop and strengthen your observing self, which allows you to make choices in your own long-term best interest, like you did in module 13 on psychosis. When thinking about managing anger, there are several approaches that can assist you. Here are the three Rs of anger control: retreat, rethink, and respond (Jacobs 1994).
Retreat
Step back from a heated discussion and take a break, a time-out, or a breather, rather than jumping in and expressing the first thing that pops into your head. Learning skills to relax, such as meditation, breathing exercises, or exercise, and scheduling personal retreats, even during your lunch break, may help you control your temper.
Rethink
Slow down and calm your racing thoughts and take your time to think about what’s happening before you respond. You will be more effective in resolving the conflict if you get in touch with your feelings, listen carefully to what others are saying, and try to brainstorm possible solutions to the issues.
Respond
When you’re feeling calmer, concentrate on using slower speech and a calm tone of voice that is not defensive or judgmental or insulting. Using silly humor, not sarcasm, can defuse the tension. Some people find it’s helpful to write a script and rehearse it in private in order to stick to the main concerns.
Remember to use “I” statements when describing the problem to avoid criticizing or placing blame. For instance, say, “I’m unhappy that you didn’t come home earlier,” rather than, “You should have been home earlier.” Talking to a person you can trust with your feelings, a friend or a therapist, can help you express your anger, especially when you cannot feel calm enough to talk directly to the person who angered you.
OTHER APPROACHES FOR ANGER MANAGEMENT
So often our bodies hold the tension that anger produces. You can convert the energy and release the tension through physical activity. Taking a walk or playing any sport (hitting a ball, shooting baskets, throwing a Frisbee) can redirect the energy in a healthy way. If you are in a location where you don’t have this opportunity, you could write your feelings in a journal, listen to music, or focus your thoughts on calmer, more positive times. This is also a good opportunity to use some of your “Zen monk” techniques (exercises 13.3 and 13.4).
It may seem the most difficult idea to accept, but forgiving the person you’re angry with and not holding a grudge against him or her for words or actions will help you to heal. This allows you to take control of the issue at hand for the long run and not have it control and consume you.
"Honeymoon In Hospice"
My mom and I were best friends. I was the youngest of four children, 3 girls and 1 boy, however I felt a deeper connection with her and I felt she thought I would be a "miracle" child. Incidentally, around 13, miracle child turned into devil child. I don't think my mother ever fully recovered from me not being as successful or smart as she had hoped. This may not be true, this is just how I feel. My whole life, I knew she wanted me to be happy. If that meant lose weight, then she would want me to lose weight, if that meant don't drink that wine, then she would not want me to drink that wine. I did, however, rebel, but at the time I did not realize my error. It is now that I look back and regret those times I was mean to her, did not do what she asked, like put my clothes away. It is something I have regretted since April 7, 2008. I am just going to break down the story, even though there is so much more to it, I just feel maybe it will have a better chance of being read if it is kept shorter. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005. She was able to have it removed, (which I always knew she would be fine because she was invincible, well, right?)....In any case, 2 years passed, and she lost her hair, her breast, and for some reason in my little world I had no idea the pain she must have been going through, and yet I couldn't put the dishes away. I look back and I know it is bad to have regret, but I regret not being there for her or trying to help her more. I was in denial, nothing ever was going to happen to my mom. We used to talk about death and I would say "I want to die first", because I could never deal with the pain, and of course she said she could never deal with the pain of having to bury a child, so, it was a lose-lose. Having suffering from depression, being overweight, and having terrible anxiety for several years I know my mom was always worried about me, but I always had a good intentions and had a good heart. On the day my now husband asked to marry him, I could not wait to go show her the ring. It was a beautiful moment. She was so happy to see that I had found the love of my life and that I would be taken care of, and it almost seemed as if she could be at peace finally with my whole life. After that day, the wedding planning began. She planned most of it, along with my sister Liz, I really was not that picky then about it, I was just happy to be getting married. At this point, the wedding was about 5 months away. My mom booked the places, ordered the flowers, my sister helped greatly too. Then, one day, after my wedding dress fitting, she asked when the date of the wedding was. She had planned it, been there for everything, this was a clear indication that something was happening to her memory. I brushed it off and thought oh well maybe she is stressed out. Then she would ask me, what the colors were in the wedding, and then I knew something was wrong, but you know...nothing too wrong of course because those things don't happen to my mom; naive to say the least. Finally on March 15, 2008, I had my bridal shower. It was thrown by my mom's best friend, and unfortunately my mother was not there, as she was home in bed with a tumor in her brain. (which we recently had heard, all in the month of March). I remember going to see her (where I still lived) after the shower and holding her hands, and I remember them seeming cold and frail, but she was not cold and frail. I was still in denial at this point, yes, still. My mom was going to be at my wedding. She planned it, she would be better, she would be there, after that day she was never the same. March 28, 2008 was the rehearsal dinner which went well, however she was in the hospital (none of us knew the severity of her illness). I was looking forward to her recovery so I could tell her all about it. This was incidentally the same day my dad found the news that I would not learn until two days later. The wedding morning was great, I was up early, got my hair and nails and makeup done, had my beautiful bridesmaids and groomsmen, my father walked me down the aisle, Around 200 people showed up, it was beautiful, but my mom was not there. My husbands parents bought us an all expenses paid trip to Montreal, which is where we were headed on March 30, the day after the wedding. For some reason, I was up really early that morning which is rare for me, I mean, I was in a 400 dollar hotel room, and I left at 9am, and there was no reason too. On the way to the house to open gifts, I told my husband we should go say goodbye to my mom at the hospital (because at this point, it was not serious, or at least we didn't know)...so we ended up going to the hospital. We got in the elevator and we were in there with a priest and I remember thinking "Wow, I would hate to be the family of the person this priest is going to see"...When I got to the right floor, I see my sister Liz, standing outside a hospital room crying. I ask her what's wrong, she said "Go talk to dad". He was inside a waiting room. I walk in, I sit down with my husband and I say hello to my father. My dad knew two days ago the news he was about to share with me, but he didn't want to tell me so I could have my wedding day. I asked "Dad, what's wrong and when is mom coming home?" He replied "Mom's not coming home"...I then said "She is being transferred to another hospital?" and he said no. Then like a ton of bricks, it hit me. She was being transferred to a hospice. Her cancer had come back, had spread all over her body, and she was no longer going to be coming home. I stared and stared and stared. I went from the happiest moment in my entire life, to the lowest in moment in literally 10 minutes. Of course, Montreal was a complete afterthought. My dad said to go say hi to my mom...I went and saw her, however, she was incoherent, and looked very ill and I just couldn't believe it. I collapsed, screaming, hysterical. What the hell just happened? I could not believe what was happening. That night she was transferred to a hospice facility. The next morning, I went to see her at hospice. At this exact moment, hell would have been a vacation.
To see her there, my mother, weak, and unable to talk, eyes glazed over, having to be taken care of the way she took care of us for so long, it literally broke my heart, which is still mending and always will be. I have been two 3 therapists, 2 psychologists and 1 psychiatrist. I have taken 3 leaves of absences since. I was there every day thereafter to hold her hand and tell her how sorry i was, and even joke with her about the crazy music they were playing in the room, although I do not think she heard me. The first day I said I loved her, and my husband said he swears he heard her say it back, but I didn't hear it. My honeymoon was spent watching my mom slowly waste away, the most beautiful woman in the world, was dying before my very eyes. On April 7, 2008 at 2:30 am, my father called. I knew what the call would be. We had a feeling it would be that night, and my father wanted to be alone with her. I answered and he said "Not good news, mom's gone". Those words will forever echo in my mind for as long as I live. A few days later I walk her coffin down the same aisle I just walked down to get married. The same people who were at the wedding for me, were now at a funeral for my mom. I cannot seem to get past it. It helps to tell the story, however. In a 10 day, 2 week, span...I moved out, got married, cat died, husband got laid off, and my mom passed away, then I turned to food and put on about 50 pounds, however I have managed to get that off, but I am still overweight. Always. When I think about it, I want to cry, and sometimes I do. Not because I did not get my honeymoon or because I felt cheated about my wedding, but because my mom wasn't there to see it, and I knew she would want too. The one thing I insisted on in the wedding was roses, but my mom wanted calla lilies, but I wanted roses. So, we went with roses. To this day, I wish I had just gone with calla lilies as they were her favorite flower, and coincidentally the ones that were on the alter during her funeral, and none of us put them there. I despise looking at my wedding photos, and have not once listened to my wedding song that my husband and I danced too that day. I never thought the tears would stop. I have aged beyond my years because of the tears I cried. I think we were all cheated. My dad, who knew the news before the wedding, having to hold that in so he could give a speech at my wedding. I remember he was talking during the father daughter song (wind beneath my wings) and i wonder if that was to hide his emotion. I was like why is he talking? I am 28 now, she passed away when I was 25. I can see it in my face, I can feel it in my body, I can feel the anger in my heart. I was her baby girl, all she wanted was for me to be happy, and the day she would have witnessed that, was the only day she couldn't be there. A hospice is no place for a honeymoon, and the pain I feel will never go away. Some days, it seems to get stronger. I, have learn to get stronger. I miss her so much, and mom if you see this, I am sorry we both missed out on something that should have been so wonderful. I will see you soon, when the time is right.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Hello, my name is stunning... Are you Hiring?
Some days I feel like writing, others I feel like reading, others i feel like hiding, and others I feel like feeling. Today I guess would be a writing day. Have maybe 1-2 per week, never really knowing what I am going to talk about or who would care at all to read it, but hopefully even if one person reads it and likes it or understands it (the points I try to make) then it would be well worth it.
So they did an article about looks in the workplace and how basically looking better could get you further in life so to speak. I have known this for quite some time, so that explains my constant talking about, thinking about, wondering about how I look and if I am up to par with the society we live in. Then I put on the news and see Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton and answer myself with a big fat NO and maybe even a donut, jk. I know if I looked a certain way, I could walk into any bar, restaurant, strip club, possibly law firms, basically anywhere and get job even with no experience whatsoever. If I looked like Kardashian I could walk literally into anywhere and be offered a job on the spot ;Especially if it were a male boss, and I am not being sexist, I am being realistic. Let's face this again, SEX SELLS. If you have a gorgeous bartender, waitress, dancer, receptionist, jewelry salesman, car salesman, I guarantee people would be more likely to frequent that bar, club, restaurant, buy jewelry from that person or a car. Don't get me wrong, there are gorgeous people who have no bedside manner and have no idea how to treat people, and I don't mean those people. I mean the people who are normal and maybe even somewhat oblivious to their looks being so amazing, that they don't see it that way. There have been girls that i have seen that I would want to say, why aren't you a model? If they are taller, thin, long legs, natural hair, no makeup and still look like a model then they should be a model. I think I would be a great model scout but that is not the industry i want to get into because I know it is not all fun and games. I am sure the really pretty ones have their share of downfalls. "Do people really like me for who I am or because I am pretty?" "Did i only get this job because I am pretty" "I am so sick of being stared down by men who look at me like a piece of meat" "well, this nine to five just isn't paying enough so I will do a little dancing on the side, make a thousand dollars a night, then quit my real job"....I am not saying pretty people have it good, I am saying they have it made. They can do what they want with what they have. If they choose to be a stripper then so be it, that would not be the road God planned for them, but money is a very tempting prospect considering you make 800 in two weeks at another job, then 800 in one night at one job working 6 hours. Yes, the guys can be dirt-bags but they are throwing money at you. It is like, so when does it become a bad thing here? When does it become unjustified. I am not saying it should be justified, I am just saying I can see where that temptation, along with drugs and alcohol and anything that makes you feel "good" lies. It may be hard to outweigh the difference or the moral aspects at this point, and maybe you are a single mother and have a family to feed. There is no judgment here on my behalf at all. To each his own. Live and let live. I also think, woman have it harder and have more pressure to be attractive. It seems the women who were just blessed with great everything, don't seem to face pressure until they start aging and suddenly they are not admired for their beauty anymore. If I looked a certain way (not saying I want too, just using an example) I could apply to ford models, be flown out to CA and be a model! Looks may not get you everything, but they certainly open the window of opportunity. You can get a job while working at your job. A guy comes in and likes what he sees, has a job available that thinks you would be great at (going on looks alone) and you say ok, because it pays twice as much and you think "wow, this guy sees something in me", Yes, he sees a mistress.
I know it sounds harsh, but I really believe it is the way of the world. I am not saying that bigger, or unattractive people do not get hired, that is simply not the case. I am saying that , if a person were to walk into a place and ask if they were hiring and looked liked Kardashian, Crawford, Hilton, Shakira, Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Alba, Megan Fox, Scarlett Johanson, Gisele...chances are they would find a place for them even if they were not hiring at all. Sad but true, Only and especially if it were men doing the hiring. Some beautiful women know how to use their looks to their advantage and more power to them. I am not trying to imply that regular gals like myself, have no worth or are not worth anything because we do not look like these people, I am just saying these women are OFFERED more then per say a woman like me. In this tough economy, a woman who looks amazing even with maybe less education, but who is more charming in an interview, will get that job. If she wanted to be a bartender with no experience, I bet the bar would hire her and give her on the job training, if she wanted to be a dancer they would say OK you start tonight. If you notice I am not using the highest class of jobs, and I don't think looks matter in a corporation stand point in some cases (large corporations). These are often trying very hard to avoid scandal and i see many different types of people where I work. From pretty to heavy to good looking and everything in between. I just mean certain places, who need the business, and are in a business where sex sells and there are many, they would be offered jobs. I am not saying it is a bad thing either, hell if I had this luxury I would be all over it. But then again, I have no idea where I would go. I just know things would just fall into my lap and I wouldn't have to do a thing.
So there you go, my opinions on looks and the world and what looks mean and how they matter. Yes, looks may not be what matters and does not determine what worth you have, but there are some who just don't see it that way. Some people see if you are fat you are worth nothing, if you are skinny you are worth more, and if you are pretty you are worth something and if you are absolutely stunning you are worth everything. It is my opinion on the way of the world, sad but true, may be hard to digest but I have been for years, and even harder to admit, which I just did.
So they did an article about looks in the workplace and how basically looking better could get you further in life so to speak. I have known this for quite some time, so that explains my constant talking about, thinking about, wondering about how I look and if I am up to par with the society we live in. Then I put on the news and see Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton and answer myself with a big fat NO and maybe even a donut, jk. I know if I looked a certain way, I could walk into any bar, restaurant, strip club, possibly law firms, basically anywhere and get job even with no experience whatsoever. If I looked like Kardashian I could walk literally into anywhere and be offered a job on the spot ;Especially if it were a male boss, and I am not being sexist, I am being realistic. Let's face this again, SEX SELLS. If you have a gorgeous bartender, waitress, dancer, receptionist, jewelry salesman, car salesman, I guarantee people would be more likely to frequent that bar, club, restaurant, buy jewelry from that person or a car. Don't get me wrong, there are gorgeous people who have no bedside manner and have no idea how to treat people, and I don't mean those people. I mean the people who are normal and maybe even somewhat oblivious to their looks being so amazing, that they don't see it that way. There have been girls that i have seen that I would want to say, why aren't you a model? If they are taller, thin, long legs, natural hair, no makeup and still look like a model then they should be a model. I think I would be a great model scout but that is not the industry i want to get into because I know it is not all fun and games. I am sure the really pretty ones have their share of downfalls. "Do people really like me for who I am or because I am pretty?" "Did i only get this job because I am pretty" "I am so sick of being stared down by men who look at me like a piece of meat" "well, this nine to five just isn't paying enough so I will do a little dancing on the side, make a thousand dollars a night, then quit my real job"....I am not saying pretty people have it good, I am saying they have it made. They can do what they want with what they have. If they choose to be a stripper then so be it, that would not be the road God planned for them, but money is a very tempting prospect considering you make 800 in two weeks at another job, then 800 in one night at one job working 6 hours. Yes, the guys can be dirt-bags but they are throwing money at you. It is like, so when does it become a bad thing here? When does it become unjustified. I am not saying it should be justified, I am just saying I can see where that temptation, along with drugs and alcohol and anything that makes you feel "good" lies. It may be hard to outweigh the difference or the moral aspects at this point, and maybe you are a single mother and have a family to feed. There is no judgment here on my behalf at all. To each his own. Live and let live. I also think, woman have it harder and have more pressure to be attractive. It seems the women who were just blessed with great everything, don't seem to face pressure until they start aging and suddenly they are not admired for their beauty anymore. If I looked a certain way (not saying I want too, just using an example) I could apply to ford models, be flown out to CA and be a model! Looks may not get you everything, but they certainly open the window of opportunity. You can get a job while working at your job. A guy comes in and likes what he sees, has a job available that thinks you would be great at (going on looks alone) and you say ok, because it pays twice as much and you think "wow, this guy sees something in me", Yes, he sees a mistress.
I know it sounds harsh, but I really believe it is the way of the world. I am not saying that bigger, or unattractive people do not get hired, that is simply not the case. I am saying that , if a person were to walk into a place and ask if they were hiring and looked liked Kardashian, Crawford, Hilton, Shakira, Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Alba, Megan Fox, Scarlett Johanson, Gisele...chances are they would find a place for them even if they were not hiring at all. Sad but true, Only and especially if it were men doing the hiring. Some beautiful women know how to use their looks to their advantage and more power to them. I am not trying to imply that regular gals like myself, have no worth or are not worth anything because we do not look like these people, I am just saying these women are OFFERED more then per say a woman like me. In this tough economy, a woman who looks amazing even with maybe less education, but who is more charming in an interview, will get that job. If she wanted to be a bartender with no experience, I bet the bar would hire her and give her on the job training, if she wanted to be a dancer they would say OK you start tonight. If you notice I am not using the highest class of jobs, and I don't think looks matter in a corporation stand point in some cases (large corporations). These are often trying very hard to avoid scandal and i see many different types of people where I work. From pretty to heavy to good looking and everything in between. I just mean certain places, who need the business, and are in a business where sex sells and there are many, they would be offered jobs. I am not saying it is a bad thing either, hell if I had this luxury I would be all over it. But then again, I have no idea where I would go. I just know things would just fall into my lap and I wouldn't have to do a thing.
So there you go, my opinions on looks and the world and what looks mean and how they matter. Yes, looks may not be what matters and does not determine what worth you have, but there are some who just don't see it that way. Some people see if you are fat you are worth nothing, if you are skinny you are worth more, and if you are pretty you are worth something and if you are absolutely stunning you are worth everything. It is my opinion on the way of the world, sad but true, may be hard to digest but I have been for years, and even harder to admit, which I just did.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Missing the Picture
FREE ASSOCIATION WRITING 7/26/02
Hard to believe I wrote this 10 years ago,
and I am still asking myself the same questions.
We are all full of questions that go unanswered. What
are we living for anyway? We are always expecting
something better, something nicer, something more, but
when we get it we do not realize it. We are always so
unsatisfied with everything. No one is ever truly
relaxed or carefree. In the back of their mind is
always something. Something that does not fit,
something does not happen exactly as planned. It is
all so strange. We keep living and keep reminiscing.
Getting sentimental about ten years ago, when 10 years
ago we were remembering ten years before that. We let
things pass by to often. We never can just enjoy. We
as people cannot just chill and not smoke, not drink,
not talk or laugh, it is all-relative. We all need
something that we already have in full; it is just not
labeled for us to realize.
July 26, 2002 12:50 am
Hard to believe I wrote this 10 years ago,
and I am still asking myself the same questions.
We are all full of questions that go unanswered. What
are we living for anyway? We are always expecting
something better, something nicer, something more, but
when we get it we do not realize it. We are always so
unsatisfied with everything. No one is ever truly
relaxed or carefree. In the back of their mind is
always something. Something that does not fit,
something does not happen exactly as planned. It is
all so strange. We keep living and keep reminiscing.
Getting sentimental about ten years ago, when 10 years
ago we were remembering ten years before that. We let
things pass by to often. We never can just enjoy. We
as people cannot just chill and not smoke, not drink,
not talk or laugh, it is all-relative. We all need
something that we already have in full; it is just not
labeled for us to realize.
July 26, 2002 12:50 am
Lost Skeptic
This was written by me about 10 years ago, hm. I don't seem to have changed much.
FREE ASSOCIATION WRITING
The world is full of skeptics, no one knows what to do
with them anymore. We all listen, but do not
understand, we are all a fake phony person who thinks
they are right when in fact we got it all wrong. We all
want to see the bright side, but then tomorrow is in
our view. And the worry and the pain, the uncertainty
of it all. That is what we are afraid of, uncertainty.
That is why it all boils down too. Where will be in
years to come, where will our loved ones be, where
will our lives be. That is what the fear stems from.
That is where we fall.
July 26, 2002 12:40 am
FREE ASSOCIATION WRITING
The world is full of skeptics, no one knows what to do
with them anymore. We all listen, but do not
understand, we are all a fake phony person who thinks
they are right when in fact we got it all wrong. We all
want to see the bright side, but then tomorrow is in
our view. And the worry and the pain, the uncertainty
of it all. That is what we are afraid of, uncertainty.
That is why it all boils down too. Where will be in
years to come, where will our loved ones be, where
will our lives be. That is what the fear stems from.
That is where we fall.
July 26, 2002 12:40 am
God Help Us All...
I don't know what to say other than I am sick of seeing all of the bad people succeed. What makes them bad one may ask? Well, keep in mind, when I say bad, I mean it is quite obvious they are not good. The greed and the need for power and control in this world is just disgusting and literally makes me physically and psychologically ill. Yes, I will walk over you to get to the top, I will get to the top and be very successful, and I will live my life in a selfish shell of a human being and then I will have everything I want. Well, you know what, that is not fair, and I am sick of hearing life isn't fair. I already know life isn't fair. I am very fortunate and I am not whining or complaining about how hard my life is, I am simply stating the fact that the bad ones succeed when they shouldn't. The bad ones get promoted when they shouldn't. The bad ones win, even when they are the biggest losers. Let's compare the seven deadly sins and the ten commandments shall we?
Seven deadly sins:
1. Pride
2. Greed
3. Gluttony
4. Lust
5. Anger
6. Envy
7. Sloth
The Ten Commandments:
Wow, check out those correlations.
Let's start with pride. Honor your father and mother. Many of us didn't, many of us don't. We have too much pride. We don't want to let others win because we have two much pride. If you race me on the street, I will not let you win, because I have too much pride. I have too much pride to step down to you. It is destructive.
Moving on to greed, wow I could go all night on this one. The world IS FULL OF GREED. Money, fame and fortune. I want to look this way, I want to have it all, thou shalt not steal and thou shall not commit adultery are forms of greed. You want it all, all the time, it is not the way life works. You shall not covet your neighbor's house, wife, servant, his donkey or anything that is your neighbors, Yet, people steal what is not theirs all the time. People steal everything from the smallest thing to a husband to a wife, to a marriage.
Lust and greed are more correlation and not causation. Lust is a form of greed. I want you only in a sexual way, and that is all I want so I want to have you and I will have you in the way I please. In your heart, you are being greedy with what you want. If you act on your lust, you are greedy, and you are a sinner and you are probably at the same time committing adultery.
Gluttony is something I think we all suffer from. As far as food, yes I can be gluttonous at times. As far as gluttony looked at in a different way, it all stems back to greed. Everyone wants everything all the time. We feel entitled to it, it should be ours.
Revenge/Wrath...Yes this is another sin I am more than honest to admit I am a part of. Yes, I want Osama Bin laden to be hanged, I want to see the terrible people out there suffer for their sins. Yes, revenge, yes I understand you revenge. I feel you, I understand you.
Ah, good old envy. Wow, you are really pretty and skinny and have a lot of money I sure want to be you. Yes envy, you and I are old flames. I want everything you have, thus making me greedy, envious, possibly lustful and possibly to proud to tell you. I envy that you have a good wife or husband so I will take her or him from you, I envy that you have all of this money so I will steal from you.
Sloth. Yes Yes Yes. There are days I don't even want to get out of bed and face you world. I want to lie around in bed all day and do nothing with the covers on me, and the cats surrounding me, yet I know that is not realistic. I see it everyday in others and i see it everyday in myself. I see all of the deadly sins impact our every day lives, as we are all sinners and God knows that.
I mean, really, what makes you so smart? What makes me so smart? Nothing, none of us are smart in the same ways. You may be able to read a book and memorize it word for word, but I can look at you and tell you your life story in 10 minutes. I am smarter in different ways. Yet, I am looked at as this dumb, blonde bimbo who has mental issues that she can't deal with. Well, guess what, I can't deal with them, at least not on my own, but the fact that i am trying is more than I can say for half the people out there. The world has gone mad. I am literally scared to leave the house half the time. Scared some jerk will run me off the road, tbone me during a high speed chase, being the victim of a random act of violence, and for what reason, because the news had made me feel like going out in the world is dangerous, which it is. Yet, I still have to live my life, and I still do, and what ends up happening then fine. I have no control over that. However, I do have control over how I respond to it.
The deadly sins and the commandments when together and analyzed is quite obvious that God knows what temptations face us. It seems as if one is saying, these things will kill you, and the other one is saying, these things will leave you in a fiery place when your time is up. The weird part is, I am not a religious fanatic. However, the greed and the sins of this world are so apparent to me, it is so hard for me not to write about them. What happened to us? What happened, seriously? Who the hell are we? We are sinners doing every possible sin known to man, going against God at every turn, yet expecting our lives to fall into place. Well, no, it does not work like that. People bash the Catholic religion all the time, which is what I was raised, and you know what, you are wrong for doing that. I can respect your views and I demand respect for mine. I do have anger in my heart for what the world has become. War, hate, greed, anger, resentment, I am fully aware I am part of these sins, so I am not being self righteous.
I sure hope this world gets it together and gets it together soon.
I can't help but feel we are nothing less than doomed.
Seven deadly sins:
1. Pride
2. Greed
3. Gluttony
4. Lust
5. Anger
6. Envy
7. Sloth
The Ten Commandments:
Wow, check out those correlations.
Let's start with pride. Honor your father and mother. Many of us didn't, many of us don't. We have too much pride. We don't want to let others win because we have two much pride. If you race me on the street, I will not let you win, because I have too much pride. I have too much pride to step down to you. It is destructive.
Moving on to greed, wow I could go all night on this one. The world IS FULL OF GREED. Money, fame and fortune. I want to look this way, I want to have it all, thou shalt not steal and thou shall not commit adultery are forms of greed. You want it all, all the time, it is not the way life works. You shall not covet your neighbor's house, wife, servant, his donkey or anything that is your neighbors, Yet, people steal what is not theirs all the time. People steal everything from the smallest thing to a husband to a wife, to a marriage.
Lust and greed are more correlation and not causation. Lust is a form of greed. I want you only in a sexual way, and that is all I want so I want to have you and I will have you in the way I please. In your heart, you are being greedy with what you want. If you act on your lust, you are greedy, and you are a sinner and you are probably at the same time committing adultery.
Gluttony is something I think we all suffer from. As far as food, yes I can be gluttonous at times. As far as gluttony looked at in a different way, it all stems back to greed. Everyone wants everything all the time. We feel entitled to it, it should be ours.
Revenge/Wrath...Yes this is another sin I am more than honest to admit I am a part of. Yes, I want Osama Bin laden to be hanged, I want to see the terrible people out there suffer for their sins. Yes, revenge, yes I understand you revenge. I feel you, I understand you.
Ah, good old envy. Wow, you are really pretty and skinny and have a lot of money I sure want to be you. Yes envy, you and I are old flames. I want everything you have, thus making me greedy, envious, possibly lustful and possibly to proud to tell you. I envy that you have a good wife or husband so I will take her or him from you, I envy that you have all of this money so I will steal from you.
Sloth. Yes Yes Yes. There are days I don't even want to get out of bed and face you world. I want to lie around in bed all day and do nothing with the covers on me, and the cats surrounding me, yet I know that is not realistic. I see it everyday in others and i see it everyday in myself. I see all of the deadly sins impact our every day lives, as we are all sinners and God knows that.
I mean, really, what makes you so smart? What makes me so smart? Nothing, none of us are smart in the same ways. You may be able to read a book and memorize it word for word, but I can look at you and tell you your life story in 10 minutes. I am smarter in different ways. Yet, I am looked at as this dumb, blonde bimbo who has mental issues that she can't deal with. Well, guess what, I can't deal with them, at least not on my own, but the fact that i am trying is more than I can say for half the people out there. The world has gone mad. I am literally scared to leave the house half the time. Scared some jerk will run me off the road, tbone me during a high speed chase, being the victim of a random act of violence, and for what reason, because the news had made me feel like going out in the world is dangerous, which it is. Yet, I still have to live my life, and I still do, and what ends up happening then fine. I have no control over that. However, I do have control over how I respond to it.
The deadly sins and the commandments when together and analyzed is quite obvious that God knows what temptations face us. It seems as if one is saying, these things will kill you, and the other one is saying, these things will leave you in a fiery place when your time is up. The weird part is, I am not a religious fanatic. However, the greed and the sins of this world are so apparent to me, it is so hard for me not to write about them. What happened to us? What happened, seriously? Who the hell are we? We are sinners doing every possible sin known to man, going against God at every turn, yet expecting our lives to fall into place. Well, no, it does not work like that. People bash the Catholic religion all the time, which is what I was raised, and you know what, you are wrong for doing that. I can respect your views and I demand respect for mine. I do have anger in my heart for what the world has become. War, hate, greed, anger, resentment, I am fully aware I am part of these sins, so I am not being self righteous.
I sure hope this world gets it together and gets it together soon.
I can't help but feel we are nothing less than doomed.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Yes World, I See You
I grew up believing life was a fairy tale. Even though fairy tales can be good and bad, I believed fairy tales were nothing but good things. I grew up believing people never died, people never fell out of love, day after day and year and year, life was just perfect. Then, instead of growing up anymore, I just grew up. I learned the reality of the world.
The world, you see, is a beautiful place if you choose to see it that way. However, when looked at in a different perception, it can be equally as ugly. Sometimes I wish I never would have watched the news, clicked on that sad new's article, listened to that radio show that was just making me sad. I have seen and heard so many good things, along with bad, however, I don't know what is real and what is not real anymore. Did that really happen? Is this really happening? Who am I in this world? Am I just a figment or a real person? Am I just taking up space, waiting for the next generation to come along, and soon I will be history just like all those before me. Was I really supposed to be around to witness 9/11? Was that really even supposed to happen, did that really happen? Why did Hitler live? Why do the good ones die and the bad ones live? Why do the bad ones get everything they want sometimes, and the good ones get not as much. I think I have finally figured it out. The ones who seem to have it all (basically the seven deadly sins), are the ones who literally sell their soul to the devil. I have seen the rise and fall of so many, and I am not even 30 yet. Things sure are tempting. Money, fame, fortune, admiration, but at what cost? I find it rather odd that the ones who seem to be so fortunate to have all these things: Marylin Monroe, James Dean, John Lennon, JFK, etc...are the ones who die young and who die in a mysterious way. I am not saying these particular people sold their souls to the devil, I am saying that there is a price to pay for everything you do in this world. You cannot possible have it all. You take the good with the bad. We are all struggling in our own ways, and frankly I am afraid to know the truth about how the world really works. We probably really know nothing unless we work for the government. I would just hate to find out what is really going on out there. Is Osama's location really known but he is being protected by a particular party? We as the general public would panic if we new everything I am sure. Thank God they don't tell us. I am sure if is for our own benefit and so the world would not panic. Let's face it, the news gets watched when it is bad news. The people who do bad things get more attention then the ones who do good things: Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, Ed Gein, Jack the Ripper, Casey Anthony, Adolf Hitler. Those are only to name a few. The world is full and has been full of bad since the beginning of time. Some people may argue that Adam and Eve are the reason, and my heart would have to agree with them. The fruit of temptation surrounds us everyday. God knew Adam and Eve would sin. There are basketball players, baseball players, rappers (who rap about drugs and sex), making millions of dollars. They go to strip clubs to "make it rain", you know when they throw all the money in the air for the dancers so it looks like it is raining money on them. Well, isn't that great? Meanwhile, the teacher around the corner is trying to make ends meet, and the guy is standing on the corner holding a sign for some company to make 20 bucks to feed his family because he got laid off. Then, as far as healthcare, there are some people who are so rich they could literally save thousands of lives and even other countries! Money ruins people. I truly believe that. I do not want a lot of money, it would change me, I have seen it change many. Have you ever heard of the curse of lottery? The same goes with fame and fortune. I see now that it is not all that it is cracked up to be. When those "famous" people go home, they are alone. Look at Britney, Lindsey, Paris...they have all been in the news for drugs, sex, stealing. They have all the money they could ever need and guess where it goes. Yes, up their nose.
It would be pretty cool to be famous, and loved and admired but then with all that comes the "haters". The same amount of people who love you will hate you and all for different reasons. You would have hate groups directed towards you, blogs of terrible things being said, being on the covers of magazines with terrible headlines. Then, there are the ones America sympathizes with, you know the Jennifer Anistons and the Sandra Bullocks to the Mia Farrows. They seem to be the good hearted ones, yet, they have had love leave them, for other loves, who may be more fun but I cannot imagine them being more satisfying.
I am not perfect, I do sin and I am not self righteous. However, just because some people don't believe in God, does not mean He does not exist. If you don't believe in God, OK, that's fine, but hell is still around and not going any where so you may very well just end up there. I remember asking my pastor, "why is it fair that a murderer can kill 30 people, go to death row, then as soon as he is about to be killed, asks God for forgiveness and may go to heaven?" The pastor replied "His sins are no worse then your (mine) sins in the eyes of God." A sin is a sin in the eyes of God. Having known God my whole life, I often wonder where this "Saved" thing comes from. I finally realized that is for people who have no known God their whole lives, then they realize His power. Although, I do believe in God whole heartedly, I still believe in the death penalty, and war if need be. So, what about "Thou Shall Not Kill", well, that is where sin comes in. I know my thinking may be wrong, but I cannot imagine a country not sticking up for itself or a man or woman who has axed people to death not dying themselves. Then the whole argument "Well, wouldn't suffering in prison be worse then being executed?" Not necessarily. See, they still have tvs, food, get to go outside, get to be around other people, you know things they took from their victims. Maybe I do have some hate in my heart, which is not Christian like, but then I am not perfect. I do believe in eye for an eye, and I am working on that day by day.
If you tailgate me, I will tailgate you, if you are mean to me, I will be mean to you. It may not be the right way, but it is my way, but not the only way so I am working on it. A friend requested I start a blog, and I said what the hell I love to write why not? I am glad I did, thank you Nicole. I had no idea I had all this in my mind at this given time, in fact I thought I was a useless waste of space today having done nothing all day. Not all was lost though, I got to write this blog, which makes me feel better. So, if you will excuse me, I am sure there is a new newscast on TV about the rape and murder of another innocent teen, gotta go.
The world, you see, is a beautiful place if you choose to see it that way. However, when looked at in a different perception, it can be equally as ugly. Sometimes I wish I never would have watched the news, clicked on that sad new's article, listened to that radio show that was just making me sad. I have seen and heard so many good things, along with bad, however, I don't know what is real and what is not real anymore. Did that really happen? Is this really happening? Who am I in this world? Am I just a figment or a real person? Am I just taking up space, waiting for the next generation to come along, and soon I will be history just like all those before me. Was I really supposed to be around to witness 9/11? Was that really even supposed to happen, did that really happen? Why did Hitler live? Why do the good ones die and the bad ones live? Why do the bad ones get everything they want sometimes, and the good ones get not as much. I think I have finally figured it out. The ones who seem to have it all (basically the seven deadly sins), are the ones who literally sell their soul to the devil. I have seen the rise and fall of so many, and I am not even 30 yet. Things sure are tempting. Money, fame, fortune, admiration, but at what cost? I find it rather odd that the ones who seem to be so fortunate to have all these things: Marylin Monroe, James Dean, John Lennon, JFK, etc...are the ones who die young and who die in a mysterious way. I am not saying these particular people sold their souls to the devil, I am saying that there is a price to pay for everything you do in this world. You cannot possible have it all. You take the good with the bad. We are all struggling in our own ways, and frankly I am afraid to know the truth about how the world really works. We probably really know nothing unless we work for the government. I would just hate to find out what is really going on out there. Is Osama's location really known but he is being protected by a particular party? We as the general public would panic if we new everything I am sure. Thank God they don't tell us. I am sure if is for our own benefit and so the world would not panic. Let's face it, the news gets watched when it is bad news. The people who do bad things get more attention then the ones who do good things: Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, Ed Gein, Jack the Ripper, Casey Anthony, Adolf Hitler. Those are only to name a few. The world is full and has been full of bad since the beginning of time. Some people may argue that Adam and Eve are the reason, and my heart would have to agree with them. The fruit of temptation surrounds us everyday. God knew Adam and Eve would sin. There are basketball players, baseball players, rappers (who rap about drugs and sex), making millions of dollars. They go to strip clubs to "make it rain", you know when they throw all the money in the air for the dancers so it looks like it is raining money on them. Well, isn't that great? Meanwhile, the teacher around the corner is trying to make ends meet, and the guy is standing on the corner holding a sign for some company to make 20 bucks to feed his family because he got laid off. Then, as far as healthcare, there are some people who are so rich they could literally save thousands of lives and even other countries! Money ruins people. I truly believe that. I do not want a lot of money, it would change me, I have seen it change many. Have you ever heard of the curse of lottery? The same goes with fame and fortune. I see now that it is not all that it is cracked up to be. When those "famous" people go home, they are alone. Look at Britney, Lindsey, Paris...they have all been in the news for drugs, sex, stealing. They have all the money they could ever need and guess where it goes. Yes, up their nose.
It would be pretty cool to be famous, and loved and admired but then with all that comes the "haters". The same amount of people who love you will hate you and all for different reasons. You would have hate groups directed towards you, blogs of terrible things being said, being on the covers of magazines with terrible headlines. Then, there are the ones America sympathizes with, you know the Jennifer Anistons and the Sandra Bullocks to the Mia Farrows. They seem to be the good hearted ones, yet, they have had love leave them, for other loves, who may be more fun but I cannot imagine them being more satisfying.
I am not perfect, I do sin and I am not self righteous. However, just because some people don't believe in God, does not mean He does not exist. If you don't believe in God, OK, that's fine, but hell is still around and not going any where so you may very well just end up there. I remember asking my pastor, "why is it fair that a murderer can kill 30 people, go to death row, then as soon as he is about to be killed, asks God for forgiveness and may go to heaven?" The pastor replied "His sins are no worse then your (mine) sins in the eyes of God." A sin is a sin in the eyes of God. Having known God my whole life, I often wonder where this "Saved" thing comes from. I finally realized that is for people who have no known God their whole lives, then they realize His power. Although, I do believe in God whole heartedly, I still believe in the death penalty, and war if need be. So, what about "Thou Shall Not Kill", well, that is where sin comes in. I know my thinking may be wrong, but I cannot imagine a country not sticking up for itself or a man or woman who has axed people to death not dying themselves. Then the whole argument "Well, wouldn't suffering in prison be worse then being executed?" Not necessarily. See, they still have tvs, food, get to go outside, get to be around other people, you know things they took from their victims. Maybe I do have some hate in my heart, which is not Christian like, but then I am not perfect. I do believe in eye for an eye, and I am working on that day by day.
If you tailgate me, I will tailgate you, if you are mean to me, I will be mean to you. It may not be the right way, but it is my way, but not the only way so I am working on it. A friend requested I start a blog, and I said what the hell I love to write why not? I am glad I did, thank you Nicole. I had no idea I had all this in my mind at this given time, in fact I thought I was a useless waste of space today having done nothing all day. Not all was lost though, I got to write this blog, which makes me feel better. So, if you will excuse me, I am sure there is a new newscast on TV about the rape and murder of another innocent teen, gotta go.
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