My mom and I were best friends. I was the youngest of four children, 3 girls and 1 boy, however I felt a deeper connection with her and I felt she thought I would be a "miracle" child. Incidentally, around 13, miracle child turned into devil child. I don't think my mother ever fully recovered from me not being as successful or smart as she had hoped. This may not be true, this is just how I feel. My whole life, I knew she wanted me to be happy. If that meant lose weight, then she would want me to lose weight, if that meant don't drink that wine, then she would not want me to drink that wine. I did, however, rebel, but at the time I did not realize my error. It is now that I look back and regret those times I was mean to her, did not do what she asked, like put my clothes away. It is something I have regretted since April 7, 2008. I am just going to break down the story, even though there is so much more to it, I just feel maybe it will have a better chance of being read if it is kept shorter. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005. She was able to have it removed, (which I always knew she would be fine because she was invincible, well, right?)....In any case, 2 years passed, and she lost her hair, her breast, and for some reason in my little world I had no idea the pain she must have been going through, and yet I couldn't put the dishes away. I look back and I know it is bad to have regret, but I regret not being there for her or trying to help her more. I was in denial, nothing ever was going to happen to my mom. We used to talk about death and I would say "I want to die first", because I could never deal with the pain, and of course she said she could never deal with the pain of having to bury a child, so, it was a lose-lose. Having suffering from depression, being overweight, and having terrible anxiety for several years I know my mom was always worried about me, but I always had a good intentions and had a good heart. On the day my now husband asked to marry him, I could not wait to go show her the ring. It was a beautiful moment. She was so happy to see that I had found the love of my life and that I would be taken care of, and it almost seemed as if she could be at peace finally with my whole life. After that day, the wedding planning began. She planned most of it, along with my sister Liz, I really was not that picky then about it, I was just happy to be getting married. At this point, the wedding was about 5 months away. My mom booked the places, ordered the flowers, my sister helped greatly too. Then, one day, after my wedding dress fitting, she asked when the date of the wedding was. She had planned it, been there for everything, this was a clear indication that something was happening to her memory. I brushed it off and thought oh well maybe she is stressed out. Then she would ask me, what the colors were in the wedding, and then I knew something was wrong, but you know...nothing too wrong of course because those things don't happen to my mom; naive to say the least. Finally on March 15, 2008, I had my bridal shower. It was thrown by my mom's best friend, and unfortunately my mother was not there, as she was home in bed with a tumor in her brain. (which we recently had heard, all in the month of March). I remember going to see her (where I still lived) after the shower and holding her hands, and I remember them seeming cold and frail, but she was not cold and frail. I was still in denial at this point, yes, still. My mom was going to be at my wedding. She planned it, she would be better, she would be there, after that day she was never the same. March 28, 2008 was the rehearsal dinner which went well, however she was in the hospital (none of us knew the severity of her illness). I was looking forward to her recovery so I could tell her all about it. This was incidentally the same day my dad found the news that I would not learn until two days later. The wedding morning was great, I was up early, got my hair and nails and makeup done, had my beautiful bridesmaids and groomsmen, my father walked me down the aisle, Around 200 people showed up, it was beautiful, but my mom was not there. My husbands parents bought us an all expenses paid trip to Montreal, which is where we were headed on March 30, the day after the wedding. For some reason, I was up really early that morning which is rare for me, I mean, I was in a 400 dollar hotel room, and I left at 9am, and there was no reason too. On the way to the house to open gifts, I told my husband we should go say goodbye to my mom at the hospital (because at this point, it was not serious, or at least we didn't know)...so we ended up going to the hospital. We got in the elevator and we were in there with a priest and I remember thinking "Wow, I would hate to be the family of the person this priest is going to see"...When I got to the right floor, I see my sister Liz, standing outside a hospital room crying. I ask her what's wrong, she said "Go talk to dad". He was inside a waiting room. I walk in, I sit down with my husband and I say hello to my father. My dad knew two days ago the news he was about to share with me, but he didn't want to tell me so I could have my wedding day. I asked "Dad, what's wrong and when is mom coming home?" He replied "Mom's not coming home"...I then said "She is being transferred to another hospital?" and he said no. Then like a ton of bricks, it hit me. She was being transferred to a hospice. Her cancer had come back, had spread all over her body, and she was no longer going to be coming home. I stared and stared and stared. I went from the happiest moment in my entire life, to the lowest in moment in literally 10 minutes. Of course, Montreal was a complete afterthought. My dad said to go say hi to my mom...I went and saw her, however, she was incoherent, and looked very ill and I just couldn't believe it. I collapsed, screaming, hysterical. What the hell just happened? I could not believe what was happening. That night she was transferred to a hospice facility. The next morning, I went to see her at hospice. At this exact moment, hell would have been a vacation.
To see her there, my mother, weak, and unable to talk, eyes glazed over, having to be taken care of the way she took care of us for so long, it literally broke my heart, which is still mending and always will be. I have been two 3 therapists, 2 psychologists and 1 psychiatrist. I have taken 3 leaves of absences since. I was there every day thereafter to hold her hand and tell her how sorry i was, and even joke with her about the crazy music they were playing in the room, although I do not think she heard me. The first day I said I loved her, and my husband said he swears he heard her say it back, but I didn't hear it. My honeymoon was spent watching my mom slowly waste away, the most beautiful woman in the world, was dying before my very eyes. On April 7, 2008 at 2:30 am, my father called. I knew what the call would be. We had a feeling it would be that night, and my father wanted to be alone with her. I answered and he said "Not good news, mom's gone". Those words will forever echo in my mind for as long as I live. A few days later I walk her coffin down the same aisle I just walked down to get married. The same people who were at the wedding for me, were now at a funeral for my mom. I cannot seem to get past it. It helps to tell the story, however. In a 10 day, 2 week, span...I moved out, got married, cat died, husband got laid off, and my mom passed away, then I turned to food and put on about 50 pounds, however I have managed to get that off, but I am still overweight. Always. When I think about it, I want to cry, and sometimes I do. Not because I did not get my honeymoon or because I felt cheated about my wedding, but because my mom wasn't there to see it, and I knew she would want too. The one thing I insisted on in the wedding was roses, but my mom wanted calla lilies, but I wanted roses. So, we went with roses. To this day, I wish I had just gone with calla lilies as they were her favorite flower, and coincidentally the ones that were on the alter during her funeral, and none of us put them there. I despise looking at my wedding photos, and have not once listened to my wedding song that my husband and I danced too that day. I never thought the tears would stop. I have aged beyond my years because of the tears I cried. I think we were all cheated. My dad, who knew the news before the wedding, having to hold that in so he could give a speech at my wedding. I remember he was talking during the father daughter song (wind beneath my wings) and i wonder if that was to hide his emotion. I was like why is he talking? I am 28 now, she passed away when I was 25. I can see it in my face, I can feel it in my body, I can feel the anger in my heart. I was her baby girl, all she wanted was for me to be happy, and the day she would have witnessed that, was the only day she couldn't be there. A hospice is no place for a honeymoon, and the pain I feel will never go away. Some days, it seems to get stronger. I, have learn to get stronger. I miss her so much, and mom if you see this, I am sorry we both missed out on something that should have been so wonderful. I will see you soon, when the time is right.
