God tested me, or the devil tested me yesterday and I will be the first one to say I failed God's test miserably. I woke up relatively ok, had started getting terrible anxiety the night before, which I guess stayed with me. So, on the way to work , as soon as I say "Lord, help me get through this day"....I see a dead black cat in the middle of the road. A tailspin occurs. immediately I turned into everything I don't want to be. I was angry, mad, being mean, and sad and was totally not a pleasure to be around. Anyway, I had another breakdown what a surprise all because of what I had seen, even thought I know the devil placed it there for me to see and he won, he ruined my morning and practically my day, black cat of course. In any case, thank God my manager was alright with me switching my days off from wed and thurs to yesterday and today...So now I work 8 days before a day off, with certain people I would rather not work with, and one is a close then open. That was how dead set I was on just getting the heck outta there and being alone yesterday. I pray the Lord gives me the strength I need to get through the week. I know He will. I can't let things like that bring me down, but when they do, they do. I know it sounds really weird but when I see stuff like that, it literally stays with me for weeks and sometimes years. I can't handle seenig stuff like that. Also, it may as well have been a dead body in the road, seriously. That may have had the same effect!....I can't explain it, I dno't know where it comes from, but these are feelings I can't ignore. To some they are "just cats" or "just dogs" or "just animals" but they are not "just animals" to me. To me, they may as well be people. There is nothing sadder to me than seeing an animal suffer and to know a family may have just lost their pet, and having to see it on a beautiful Saturday morning while driving to work as I am talking to God. I know most don't understand, and I don't expect them too, but we have realize as people, that we are not the only things that live on this earth. We SHARE this earth with other things. For some people to be so inhumane and lack so much compassion literally devastates me. I am trying to avoid these things now, because i know I cannot handle them. However, yesterday I did not see it coming I had no idea it would be there, and I frankly, was not ready to see it. It had a snowball effect. It made me angry, I was mean to my friends that didn't deserve it, and I was upset that I could not get a hold of animal control fast enough. I know some people don't care and whatever that is fine, I get it. They are just animals, they don't have souls. But, I disagree.
It is a constant fight between good and evil, right and wrong, black and white, good and bad. I so desperately want to see the good but the bad can be so blatant and obvious. I know these things happen, and it is nature and may nature take its course, I was just not ready to see that, and I am never ready to see that, especially ON THE WAY to work, on the way home it would have been a little better because I could have come home and calmed down. It was like setting me up to fail.
I was already a volcano ready to erupt and that set me over the edge. So, now, I have a very long work week ahead of me of my own making. I know God will be there to guide me through.
Some people will never understand me. Heck, sometimes I don't understand me. But what I think people need to understand, is that perception is everything and if I perceive something on the way to work that may as well have been a dead body, I believe I would react the same. I never want to see dead anything. I can't handle it. I really can't. I can't grasp it. I have seen my mom in her coffin, and since then, is when this whole animal, helpless creature/people phobias started happening. The fact is, it is hard because it is everywhere!!! I cannot turn it off, that is what scares me the most. All I have to do is turn on the news, which I am trying to avoid. I used to not care about certain things before my mom passed, now I care about EVERY LIVING THING there is. Screw the bastard terrorists I don't mean them. I mean the good people. The good animals who are never given a chance to love, or be loved. The babies of the same fate. I feel strongly about these things because I know it is so out of my control, and I hate that, and I am not even a controlling person. An image to me, can stay ingrained in my mind forever. The image I saw yesterday is one that will.
Thus, I will probably never change, and those who think I am just being a little too dramatic just don't get me and that is fine. I am sure there are opinions and views you have that I just don't "get". So, incidentally, the devil may have got what he wanted yesterday, and maybe he will again, but I am damn sure putting up the biggest fight I got.
